, we live in a society that frowns upon teen pregnancy but shuns abortion, a society that credits ignorance and cockiness, adores stupidity and disregards intellect and kindness. a society of hypocrite judgmental people. a society where women are raped children are enslaved and good men who stand against it, stand alone, a society where good men fight in wars to die for greedy men who start wars for profit, come back home war torn with no support to fight the internal war after. where a degree is discredited by those who don't have them and often underpaid by those with money. these men whom everyone seems to emulate, this idea of a godly male whom enslaves and oppresses people, these cowardice asian men who turn away as their sisters are sexually assaulted, these sexually assaulted women abusing good men whom stand alone in a fight against these injustices. animals, thieves, liars, these people i see, and now judge me for not being like them, rapist, liars, thieves, failures. fuck people, for those people whom have evolved a step above these people and is one step closer to have acquired consciousness and awareness of these behavior of human, prejudice, hypocrisy.
there is hope. a belief, but nothing more. Title, money, possession and status still define a man. NO, don't be fooled, character which is defined by action; collective for what is good, is not cherished, but rather the vice, shady character. How we so easily follow, sheepishly, the lies instead of the actions men take. The lies so easily believed because the truth is hardly heard.
after serving in the military i came out with ptsd. I was unaware of it until recently. I noticed i didn't feel, i felt empty. Love with distant and i was either afraid of it or angry because of it. I was numb. I was so ignorant i didn't understand anything. But, as of recently I every time, i see my past self and wonder. I question myself why i am so angry and empty. This side of me, this demon that catches me off guard and i am just a fearful angry man and im okay with being that person. I dont know why it was so appealing but, it just takes over. Tonight, is different. I felt a connection. I was disconnected before, but tonight i could easily feel myself and people and talk with them whereas usually i would not listen and brush them off. There was no connect. I guess it was all collective, this PTSD. First leaving someone whom i really loved, my ex wife. I still dream about her, but i digress. I left 1 week after we got married to bootcamp. The shock of bootcamp. The training the treatment broke me, i became hallow at that point. Then getting stationed back and forth, traveling and barely seeing her. Confused and empty i only had anger. I smiled, recalling back it wasn't real, but more half hearted. Then being stationed with people and being soo, ignorant and uneducated to understand what was going on. So angry because i didn't know. Then the unit deployed. We went overseas, by that time i was verbally abusive and me and my ex wife had split. So there i was shocked, married, bootcamp, training, divorce and now the 13 long month deployment where i died more inside. For the first week i was afraid of being shocked or attacked by our enemies. I was afraid of bags that laid on the ground in fear of IED's. After the first month we got relaxed. Then it was when i began to become more numb, not living just waiting for our time over there to be over. 1 month in after our 12 hours shift, it was about 6 and dark outside. I went to a dark place, and cried asking why, confused and afraid i cried alone in the dark. After that night i didn't shed a tear. I started working out, running, keeping my mind busy doing activities and running away from what i felt just borrowing them in me until i couldn't feel. Time went of and i went into what i call "autopilot"; just moving around doing what the job demanded, keeping myself being and just not thinking, but just doing. 8 months in, i was able to go on leave for 2 weeks. I chose to go home and visit family. Thinking back, when i was on leave, i was unconscious. I was thinking, but i wasn't aware of what was happening around. closed off and disconnected. I visited my family, i visited friends and i visited my ex wife. I was such a piece of shit and a piece of shit that was given so many chances but was so out of touch and disconnected i didn't realize it. Before visiting her, i went to paint ball with friends and family. It was fun and exciting, but recalling back, i was putting out fake smiles and still felt hallow. It was small talk that meant nothing as we didn't really connect. At that time i do remember, feeling anxious if the conversation carried on too long as i was used to just working, chatting for a bit then leaving, but didn't think anything of it. We played paint but and when the fun was over and i started to drive to see my ex, i got lost, and cried, i was afraid, that it was just me, i was alone. I felt for a second, unable to understand and then i closed it off again. Life goes on, i did things to find happiness to bury how i felt. So, life goes on. after the deployment i was gone, i was empty and did not feel or connect with anyone. I talked to people, but i didn't connect i was empty. Life goes on and i'm out of the military, barely completing my 4 year commitment. I was happy to go home again, but unaware of all the weight i carried. I was lonely and disconnected from everything, but i thought i was fine. I never opened up to anyone i when i got back home, it was just, pursuing goals and completing the mission. I went to the tech school; and barely got through it, i was disconnected still and unaware of it. Unconscious unaware i went through the ropes just doing the bare minimum. I graduated then pursued my bachelors at UW oshkosh. Again unaware of the weight of ptsd, i was afraid of actual friendship and or completely dismiss the connection. I didn't have compassion and understanding from other people. I just did what i had to. So 1 and a half years in learning, reading, i met a great friend, who helped me with why i was unable connect with people. He called me out on multiple things but stood up for me and didn't give up on me. A great friend, although i wasn't the best at time, i often question his intention, unaware of the weight i carried i was sure what he was trying to get at when he did call me out. I was paranoid, lonely, confused and lost. But slowly, hanging out with this great friend of mines, i started to open up again. he was patient guy, maybe understood or didn't mind that i was angry all the time when i drank. And did i drank too much. Every Week i would drink until i was drunk drunk. Again going through ptsd from the military you are unaware of what is going on. But back to the story, i started warming up and getting to know people, became aware and conscious at times but only for brief periods of time because i wasn't sure how i would handle it. Another person that helped met get through it was my younger brother. He questioned my actions and challenged me on multiple occasions, in which i did not understand at the time. I was disconnected and didn't feel. Slowly but surely, this great friend of mines and my younger brother began to reach me. I started to connect with the world again. I was aware of my surrounding and began to feel, but again brief but for longer periods. One day, i went to hang out with my brothers and then came hope and realized it, I had PTSD. PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder is a psychological imbalance that a person is personally unaware of. It can be from one traumatic experience, but in my case, it was collective experiences of being exposed to things you don't know how to handle and or completely ignore. I'm not sure of the end outcome of overcoming this symptom because i so often slip into it, but steadily, i am coming back to lifel, it is a slow process but i hope that one day soon i will understand this demon and overcome it. To end, it is okay to want and love a woman and love her in return. dont be afraid